Online Dating Burnout is Hitting China Daters Hard
The taboos of online dating are mostly gone, but it’s been replaced by online dating fatigue.
Let’s be real, online dating can be exhausting. Whichever app you choose to use and whatever you’re looking for, it can feel like an endless cycle of matches, most of which never go anywhere. And this happens to us all; male, female, non-binary, straight, LGBTQ, any sexual identity or gender identity. Online dating is tiring.
We took a survey and asked China Daters about their experiences with online dating and the feelings of burnout that follow.
Note: the following answers come from our survey about online dating burnout. These views reflect these individuals’ experiences.
Do you get tired or burned out from online dating?
59% of our respondents said they often get burned out, with 27% saying they sometimes get burned out.
What percentage of your online dates in the last year would you say were a positive experience?
57% of our respondents said that only 1 in 4 of their online dates were a positive experience.
Just 1 in 4! That’s not great. No wonder people are getting exhausted. To go on 3 bad dates to have one good date isn’t fun. That’s time, energy, and emotional bandwidth that you could be spending on other things like friends and activities you enjoy.
So why aren’t these experiences positive when dating online in China?
Many people are tired of the gamification of swipe-based apps. There is endless swiping, a constant cycle of matches that lead nowhere. You might be constantly checking your notifications, only to be disappointed by the responses or the even limited dating pool.
“It sucks. Dating here is so hard. The same questions are asked. People don't talk.”
"Dating is fun but lately it's exhausting."
"Very small dating pool, lack of seriousness, lots of scams, pictures are far too filtered."
"When there's less variety (like now when many people have either left or found relationships) and it feels like no one is your type. When you're already frustrated it's hard to go into an interaction with a positive mindset which can start a spiral or dating negativity.”
READ MORE: Date Night Stories: My Cringiest Tinder Date in China
Many people are disappointed by the interactions they are having with other people and what they are looking for.
"They all just want to f*ck."
"Men only wanna have sex! The majority aren't interested in making a connection or having a serious relationship."
“Women with unrealistic expectations, 99% of the pictures online are filtered and has no representation of what they actually look like! Many women are into financial improvement 'schemes.'"
"Most people on the apps perpetually only look for casual sex. Very few actually look for dates."
"My first 24 hours on Tinder I was asked: wanna come over and fuck, do I do anal, and one was a wechat stalker. Horrible experience."
READ MORE: 3 Trash Dating Behaviors to Throw Out
In a cultural melting pot, many people also feel there are difficulties with language, culture, and gender differences.
“Gender imbalances and racial stereotypes make the experience a little harder than in Europe, for example.”
"I personally don't date most locals because the cultural gap is too large. That leaves just foreign guys, but most of them only go for Chinese girls. So most foreign women, essentially women of color, are left out in the cold."
"Chinese guys always assume foreigners will go to a hotel because they are 'open.' They also just want to know where you are from then stop talking. There is no communication or effort."
“Being a foreigner in China, the only reason most Chinese men will even look at me is because they assume I am well endowed. 90% of the time they would ask for a photo of it before even saying hello. Those guys get ignored. For the other 10% it is like trying to get through quicksand. Conversation is often times shallow at best, and one gets the impression that they are just waiting to get to the end of coffee or dinner so that they can get to the actual reason they are there.”
READ MORE: Expat Women Share About Beauty Standards & Dating in China
One dater broke his dates down into three categories:
Job Interviews. Dates that didn't feel like dates, but felt more like job interviews. What is my star sign? What are my future goals? What is my blood type? Children? How much money do I make? (We just met!)
Catfish WTF?!?! These are dates where the person isn't who they represented themselves as online or in WeChat. Older than they said. Not fluent in English. Bigger than they said. Their photos were their younger sexier slimmer roommate. Etc... (Not all Chinese by the way, Caucasians do this as well)
I will call this last category Potpourri. Meaning not 1 & 2 but so many variations that they could have their own category. Which includes the one Chinese lady who showed up to our date because she never met a "gay man before". To which I explained, "You still haven't then. I'm not gay. But she said, "You have earrings and your name is a female's name."
One of our daters summed it up really well:
“People are not being the best of themselves online. That's the environment of online dating. When you put yourself in that environment, it's easy to get exhausted. It's like swimming in mud. I do still think online could be a place to have meaningful connections. You will need to scale up your swimming skills if you were to dive into it. Online anything could be an addictive behavior as well if it's a reaction to loneliness. Many are online to escape loneliness. There is a huge difference in meaningful connection and an escape from loneliness."
READ MORE: Why You Should Represent Yourself Authentically Online
How Do You Cope With Online Dating Burnout?
This online dating fatigue can take you from single and ready and mingle, to exhausted and ready to stay on the couch, order take out, and avoid everyone.
So how do you prevent online dating burnout, or handle it when you feel that way? China daters shared their responses.
"I just stop for a bit (and b*tch to my friends about it)."
"I delete the apps and give up all hope."
"Get off the apps."
"I usually just give up, only to come back again when I'm desperate and lonely again. Rinse and repeat."
"Still figuring this one out! I didn't get burnout pre-Covid but I also think I wanted different things then too."
"Once in a while, when loneliness creeps up, I would venture onto the apps, hoping to meet someone that I could spend quality time with. But more often than not, it goes nowhere, and I am left feeling empty by the experience. Then for a month or two I would actively avoid the apps. I used to delete them when this happened, but I've learnt that I will probably end up going back at some point, and then having to look for login details etc just makes it a hassle. So now I keep them on my phone, bit I will just ignore them."
One China Dater shares his coping techniques.
It got to the point where I did two things:
I picked the restaurant based on my cravings. Because at least if the date sucked the food was good. So much so that the dates became known to my coworkers as "how was Vietnamese date?" "How was Tacos date?"
Strictly adhering to a two-drink maximum payment on dates. If by her second drink I don't feel any connection (it's important to point out I was never just looking for a hookup), then the date is over.
READ MORE: How To NOT Be A Dick On Your First Date
Here are a few other ways that China daters handle burnout:
"Actually meeting people. Attending events that are meaningful and not just "social" profit making events. I stay off for awhile and check occassionally... only pursue respectful conversations."
"I try to present what I want and see if there is interest."
"Try new activities, meet some new people. Try to remember that meeting offline is fun as well (though can also be exhausting and no guarantee of meeting anyone single where you're at)."
"It's important to know why you are on dating apps in the first place. Taking a curiosity approach online could make those frustrating interactions just an interesting experience. An experience to know another human being, an experience to know yourself and maybe even figure out what you want and don't want. Burnout happens when you keep feeding yourself what you can't digest. So a good way to prevent is stop doing what didn't work for you. It sounds simple but we are so stuck in our own way of interacting with the world that alternatives seem inaccessible. Let us break it down: step 1: what can't you digest? 2: what else you could feed yourself for a change."
There may be pressure right now to date, especially as it's getting colder and it's cuffing season, but that doesn't mean you need to exhaust yourself with online dating.
If you are feeling burned out, taking a break from swiping might be a good idea. Focus on yourself, practice self-care, and do some activities that you enjoy doing.
We are all searching for more in-depth connections with people, but these don't always have to be romantic connections. Spend time with good friends and find people that you can connect with in deeper ways.
Do you have an opinion or experience with online dating burnout? Reach out to DNC admin Rachel to write a response. (WeChat: rachelweiss22).
Read more from Date Night China:
Date Night China is a digital media platform and events organization based in Beijing that aims to build a positive community and share stories about relationships and dating in China. Follow our Wechat Account for the latest articles, new podcast episodes, and upcoming events.